I had an overwhelming sense of saddness this morning that my days of medicating my feelings with food are over. It is difficult to explain to those who have never had an issue with food, or drugs, or alcohol, but I'll try to explain it as best as I can.
Fast food / junk food is my drug of choice. I spend a lot of time in my head figuring out my next score, where I will get it, how I will get there, how much it will cost me, how I will pay for it (cash, debit, credit). I think about where I will eat it, I hope no one sees me buying it, I hide the bags inside other bags to bring it in the house. I would order pizza from different franchises so that the same delivery person wasn't constantly coming to my door, who knows what they were thinking.
It is not until I don't have the option to eat the food that I realize how drug like it was. I know I have an addiction, after I eat a sense of calm will come over me, the rush of getting the food has settled. But then I start to feel sick because I've eaten too much and the guilt of what I did piles on. The negative thoughts start creeping in, I begin chastizing myself for being weak, for wasting money on all that food and then I start the clean up, erasing the evidence that it ever happened.
So after the detox from the weekend, the chills, the aching joints, I'm still restless, I'm still constantly thinking about food and I'm coming to the realization that my comfort friend is leaving me. Of course after the surgery when I'm back on regular food, I could go back to the frantic, out of control life, but all of this will have been for nothing.
I knew all along that I was going to have to give something up, but when its staring you in the face, it becomes very very real.
How does one go about creating a new life for themselves?
One day be person A and then change to Person B?
Does the core of you change? Or is that the only part of you that stays the same?
Overcoming an addiction feels like losing a part of yourself. Is it a bad part of you, is it a weak part, is it an insecure part, is it the strength of you and moving forward you need to build that strength back up? I guess I'll find out.
So to my constant companion, I will miss you, but its time to say good-bye and move on to becoming Person B.
H
Darling Nature Girl.....speaking as a fellow addict I can say that I have never really believed anyone could understand MY problem the way you just described it. Our drugs of choice may not be the same and I may not be as "cloak and dagger" as you are but I am at the stage of being a recovering addict of sorts. Yes, Ive lost the large amount of weight, I've gotten used to my new body BUT I have fallen off the wagon and am desperately trying to get back on.
ReplyDeleteYou WILL face the same challenges when you are at your goal. You won't be a different person dear girl, you will be Person A but you will be Person A with a new body and new challenges thatyou didn't have before.
As you know I have gained about 30 pounds back from the 100 that I lost and to me it is as if I am big and fat and weak. I GET THAT FEELING. I can have a perfect day food wise and then, like last night for example, I came back from a dinner party where I turned away the sweets - had a small bite of the amazing birthday cake, only had one glass of wine(using the excuse that I was on medication) and came away feeling good that I handled that !!
BUT THEN when I got home and settled down for a minute I somehow got into the car, went to Rabba and bought 2 buns and toasted them and ate them both and loved them!
Woke up today pissed off at myself when I saw the crumbs on the counter! What the fuck?????
How did that happen? Why did it happen? Shit, I actually had to get into the car and drive to get it.
So...can't really figure that out but the eating alone thing is part of it....some kind of comforting for something that I didn't know was missing or wrong?
This is a journey and your travels are helping me Nature Girl!!! Today is a new day, I had my protein shake, will pick up some more veggies and salad fixins to have as an alternative to my yummy veggie soup.
Maybe together we can figure out what millions of others are trying to figure out too. Why is our addition the very thing that we need to keep us alive?
LOVE LOVE LOVE DIVA LA