Searching for Passion

For the last 6 months my focus has been all about the surgery, preparing my mind, my spirit and my body for what is to come. Now that I've been through it, I need to find a new focus.

For years it was pottery, but I went back to that and didn't have the same kind of passion for it. My photography is on going.

But I need to find some new hobbies to ignite my passions again.

seems to be apropos that it's time for New Years Resolutions.

Hiccups au ju

Its been a while since my last post, but I can't seem to organize my thoughts into a neat package. So I apologize if this post goes all over the place.

Now that the incisions have healed and there is no internal pain to remind me that I've had surgery, I'm forgetting that I've actually been altered, so my mind is still working like it used to What I mean is, I still think I can eat a normal amount of food, or I still think I can go out and buy fast food. But I just have to take one bite of anything, even a swallow of water and I am quickly reminded that all is not the same as it once was.

It's been a month since my surgery, my mental workings are not going to change over night. As with anything relating to food where I'm concerned, it will be a life long struggle to figure this all out. There will be good days and there will be challenging days ahead, but its all for good.

As I close in on week 4, I can open my pantry to new items, as with week 2 I have started into the next phase a bit early. I tried salad last night, not sure if it was the salad or the few fries I ate or the fact I had full on chicken - or maybe a combo of all three, but "G" didn't want anything to do with it all and proceeded to exorcise herself of all that I gave her.

As my dad said, at least I know the cause for the vomiting and its not something that I need to be worried about. (Like maybe having the stomach flu or some viral infection) Plus I think the next few months will be littered with days like yesterday, especially as I learn what "G" likes and doesn't like. All new relationships are filled with hiccups (oh, I get those a lot too), so why shouldn't this one be.

A few things that I've discovered this week -

• one of my most favourite bras will not be wearable much longer, when I lay down while wearing it, it practically falls off. The girls are swimming in it. Of course its my only sporty bra, but I'm not ready to go out and buy another just yet.
• a pair of jeans that were always too long, well now they're too baggy, so that makes them even longer, today will be the last day I wear them. I could probably turn myself around in them without much effort.
• so far most of the weight I've lost is very noticable in my face/neck, in my back and for me in my chest. I am losing from the top down, lets home I get clearance from the surgeon next week to start a bit more sweat producing exercise so I can work on the lower half in the new year.

The other thing I need to keep reminding myself of is that it has only been a month since I had the surgery.

I'm losing about 5lbs a week, which doesn't seem like much as

I lost about 10lbs a week when I was on the liquid diet.

But 5lbs a week is a nice speed, it will hopefully help my head catch up to what is

going on with my body.

Until next time.

H

Getting to know "G"

I have a new friend, her name is "G", short for gurgle.

I've named my pouch G, because she is constantly gurgling. Its a very weird sensation, it doesn't feel like gas with the need to burp, it doesn't feel like indigestion where there is burning.

It is a very hard to explain how it feels as it is a very new sensation for me. There is a heaviness in my throat, like a cork that stops any food from going down.

So when the gurgling starts, I can't eat, I have to wait for it to pass and that can take a long time.

Welcome to my life G, I'm sure we'll be spending lots of time together.

H

Recall message

That last post made me sound ungrateful and paranoid, ignore it, was just having a sensitive day.

The Good and the Bad...

There are many good and many bad things about people knowing you've had surgery.

Good - you get lots of support, encouragement and you always have someone to talk to when things get rough.

Bad - people watch you eat, question your decisions, eye you up and down looking to see if you've lost weight.

The good far outweigh the bad and for now I have to try not to be so sensitive about things and just do what I feel is right, but some days are better then others.

Being Prepared

I think much of my problem this week is I haven't been prepared, so I'm eating when I'm hungry, instead of eating right before I get hungry. Sounds odd, but if I wait until I'm hungry then I rush, so its too late.

So today I am going to cook, which is what I've been looking forward to for weeks now. Plus its a perfect rainy day to put some music on, warm the house up with savoury smells and get creative.

Dinner anyone?

The Addiction Continues

Food addiction isn't just about using food to meet some invisible untouchable need within oneself, its about how you eat as well.

This week I've ventured into adding some new foods in, new foods that aren't soup that is. Its been hard because I have been eating too fast. What I've discovered is that I want to eat as quickly as possible, as a way of zoning out. But that leads to PAIN.

What is it about food that makes me lose my head, to not think?

Addiction is for life.

29 leebs under the sea

9 Days after the surgery,

23 days since starting the liquids

and I'm down 29 lbs and 18 inches.

I can see the difference in my face, the funny thing, I thought I had lost inches in my ankles, but they're the same size. I lost the most inches on my chest, go figure.

Don't get me wrong, its all good, but its always the boobs that go first.

I still tire easily, but I'm starting to go a bit nutty here at the house, its time to come up with a project and focus on it. Just not sure what that will be - but it has to be something other then thinking about food because I dreamt of a buffet last night.

AHHHHH.

Funny thing, what I remember about the food at the buffet, pancakes and zucchini, okay I like pancakes, but not my go to item and zucchini, weird.

So, Project must be non food, not cost much, doesn't involve shopping, I have a feeling closets are going to be cleaned this week, watch out closets.

Maybe I'll start with the tupperware cupboard first, that thing drives me nuts.

Happy Sunday all, even though it's raining here in Toronto.

H

Down in the Dumps

Dumping syndrome - Also called rapid gastric emptying, dumping syndrome occurs when the undigested contents of your stomach are transported or "dumped" into your small intestine too rapidly. Common symptoms include abdominal cramps and nausea.

Had my first dumping experience, was eating Watermelon, I either ate it too quickly or didn't chew enough, or both. The cramping and pain was very very intense, I thought I was either was going to throw up or pass out. Lying down didn't help, standing up didn't help and moving about just prolonged the next bout of pain. Wow. Something to remember.

Learning everyday.

Surjourney (Surgery/Journey)

Wow, time sure is flying post surgery.

Let me see if I can catch you up...

Friday November 18th:

Surgery day, spent the morning in the beautiful hospital gowns they hand out, curled under a blanket waiting to walk to the operating room. That was an odd feeling.

The hallways leading to the room were cold, kind of dark, sterile sinks lined the walls at every doorway.

There was a hub of activity going on in my operating room, they were calling out all the instructions of what they were going to do, going through instruments, I was put up on the bed, strapped down, arms out, electrodes put on my chest, mask put over my face and the relaxation started. A few deep breaths and I was out.

I remember waking up somewhere, probably post op and I had pain all through my torso. Writhing but afraid to move kind of pain. That and I was groggy and dopey that I had no clue what the hell was happening, I just wanted to sleep, but couldn't because of the pain. I wanted to crawl out of my body so I could rest.

The trip from post op to my room took a nasty turn when the bed hit a bump going into the elevator, crypes, I wanted scream, but didn't. Maybe I should have, scared the shit out of the two fellows wheeling me around.

Got up to my room and was able to see Dad and Paula, no clue what time it was, I just know the room I was put into it was dark outside the window. I tried to make small talk with Dad and Paula, to reassure them that I was okay, but FUCK I hurt, and my throat was so raw, I then the nurse, sweet thing, gave me morphine. The kicker, I had to pee, but the thought of crawling out of bed to walk to the bathroom scared me, the pain I knew would be intense. I couldn't wait any longer, finally got up, made it to the bathroom only to have the edge of my gown fall in the toilet and get soaked. Fished it out, managed to sit down and then the spins started. My skin went clammy and I knew if I tried to stand, I'd just find myself laying on the floor passed out. Same thing happened when I had my gallbladder out, almost passed out on the first trip to pee. My poor mom put cold cloths on my neck and forehead and called a nurse. We needed to use a wheel chair to get back to my bed then. But this time I didn't have mom. So I sat there for quite some time, tried to breathe, and then sucked it up and made my way back to bed.

Somehow I made it through the night, I'm sure there was lots of moaning and my throat was so raw I couldn't speak or barely swallow and only being allowed sips of fluids just didn't seem to help take the rawness away. But I made it.

Since that night the pain in my stomach has gotten less and less, sitting up from a horizontal position isn't as difficult or painful any more and today, six days after surgery, there is hardly any pain at all.

What I now deal with is dizziness and weakness. I can't get up fast, or stay standing for too long or I'll start to sway and things will spin. But I go outside for walks at least twice a day, I use my walking stick for support, I take things slow, I walk to a picnic table and then sit for a short time, then walk back home again.

Eating is slow, which is good, its what is suppose to be, I still get the urge to gulp down large quantities of water, I wake up very thirsty, but I force myself to take it slow.

I'm following all the recommended instructions, trying to get my protein in like I should, and I follow the colour of my urine to make sure I'm drinking enough.

I'm not allowing myself to rush anything, to worry that I'm on a schedule, I'm just letting it happen. I like that. It feels right.

Now that I'm six days post surgery, my brain has been clear enough to let me type all of this. But now, I'm going to lay down again, its time for my morning session of being horizontal. I probably won't sleep, but I've got 3 good books on the go, so I'll continue reading one of those.

Hope you're all well.

H

1 more sleep

Just one more sleep and it will be the day.

I love starting a new book, you just don't know where its going to take you, and that is just what tomorrow is, a new book.

See you on the other side.

Heather

Phase 2

Phase one is almost over, 2 weeks of optifast and getting prepped for surgery.
List for surgery - no jewellery, no nail polish, shower the night before, bring all pills with you, etc, etc....
End of Phase one will be the surgery tomorrow.

Then the start of Phase 2, a few days in the hospital drinking small bits of liquids every 15 minutes, getting up and walking around to get the bloated gassy stomach down, pfft, pfft.
Then home to start 2 weeks of liquids, but different liquids from Phase 1 - thank goodness.
I will be able to have cream soups - YAY, pudding, YAY, apple sauce, YAY, tomato juice, hmm not sure if that is a yay or not. Light exercise and lots of rest, letting the innards settle into their new location, letting the incisions heal, and working on the mental aspect of what is going on.

This is a weird thing to be excited about - I guess it isn't the surgery that I'm excited about, its what is going to happen after, the transformation, the learning, the exploration into a happier me.

As the last blog said - I'm ready.

H

The longest journey begins with 2 weeks of liquids.

I'm ready!

I'm ready for the surgery, the recovery, whatever it may be and I'm ready for all the positive things this surgery will bring to my life.

I am looking forward to creating nutritious, flavourful meals, learning to eat all over again and getting to know my new body.

I'm not afraid of the surgery or of pain, but do worry about complications. Fingers crossed there won't be any.

I'm sort of looking forward to the time off for recovery, but worry about my projects and worry about going stir crazy. But then another side of me thinks - when else will I get a month off work to just relax? Although from the sounds of things, I won't have much down time, it will be a constant job just eating.

2 more sleeps!

H

The weight of food

I find it amazing how much weight we put on food.
A friend is struggling with the fact that she ate bread over the weekend. Out of all the good things she did, whether it be with food, with exercise, spending quality time with someone, the one thing she focus' on and remembers about the weekend is that she ate bread.
The weight of eating it causes more damage then what the actual piece of bread will do to her body.
Why do we do this, but more importantly how do we go about changing our beliefs or preceptions of food?

I'm at a cross roads, I am in the process of determining what I can go back to and what I may need to stay away from after the surgery. Do I restrict myself and deny ever having bread again, or sweets, or chocolate? Or do I teach myself to venture forth into the world of moderation? Is that even possible when you view the piece of food as the enemy?
To quote Dexter - how do you forgive your enemy? Is that even possible?

And why do we tend to focus on what we deem as bad - eating that piece of bread, rather then focusing on the balanced meal we ate at lunch or the long walk we had in the sunshine, or the great visit we had with a friend?
In the long run that piece of bread isn't going to mean anything to us, so why does it carry so much weight?

H

The Home Stretch

It's been a rough few days.

I am really looking forward to being able to eat something with some flavour, with some texture, with some substance. Being on liquids wouldn't be so bad if I was allowed something other then sweets with the odd bit of bland soup thrown in. There isn't much that can be done with artificially sweetened vanilla or chocolate sudo shakes.

But luckily only 4 more days. Of course on the 5th day everything changes once again and not only will I still be on liquids, it will be tiny wee amounts, which means my job for the following weeks will be eating. I'll be able to eat an ounce of fluids at a time, so will have to be doing that every 15 minutes just to keep hydrated. A whole new set of challenges lay ahead.

The last two days I spent getting things ready. Cleaning off the balcony so its ready for winter, very bland and stark now. And today working on the inside, so I can just concentrate on my healing after. Unfortunately with things being so dry the dust collects almost as soon as you wipe it away. But a quick once around on Thursday night and all will be good.

Not feeling to deep and observant today, more just ready for all of this to move forward.

Hope you all had a good weekend.

H

Took a Turn

It has been a rough day.

I ate solids today.

Feel horrible and guilty.

Preparation H

When I woke up this morning, I didn't think about food. Glory BE!

Surgery is just around the corner, so its time to get my head around how I'm going to handle my approach to food. I know what my problem foods are, its coming up with a plan to handle the problem foods, to either stay away from them entirely, or to teach myself to restrict my intake.

Its time to put to good use all the things I've learned over the past 10 years.

Journalling

Being Prepared

Always having something to do when the urge to snack comes up.

Meditate

Reach out to a friend.

The key is to grow, to learn, to be okay with making mistakes along the way and most of all be happy.

Preparation is key!

H

Mourning the Loss

I had an overwhelming sense of saddness this morning that my days of medicating my feelings with food are over. It is difficult to explain to those who have never had an issue with food, or drugs, or alcohol, but I'll try to explain it as best as I can.

Fast food / junk food is my drug of choice. I spend a lot of time in my head figuring out my next score, where I will get it, how I will get there, how much it will cost me, how I will pay for it (cash, debit, credit). I think about where I will eat it, I hope no one sees me buying it, I hide the bags inside other bags to bring it in the house. I would order pizza from different franchises so that the same delivery person wasn't constantly coming to my door, who knows what they were thinking.

It is not until I don't have the option to eat the food that I realize how drug like it was. I know I have an addiction, after I eat a sense of calm will come over me, the rush of getting the food has settled. But then I start to feel sick because I've eaten too much and the guilt of what I did piles on. The negative thoughts start creeping in, I begin chastizing myself for being weak, for wasting money on all that food and then I start the clean up, erasing the evidence that it ever happened.

So after the detox from the weekend, the chills, the aching joints, I'm still restless, I'm still constantly thinking about food and I'm coming to the realization that my comfort friend is leaving me. Of course after the surgery when I'm back on regular food, I could go back to the frantic, out of control life, but all of this will have been for nothing.
I knew all along that I was going to have to give something up, but when its staring you in the face, it becomes very very real.

How does one go about creating a new life for themselves?
One day be person A and then change to Person B?
Does the core of you change? Or is that the only part of you that stays the same?
Overcoming an addiction feels like losing a part of yourself. Is it a bad part of you, is it a weak part, is it an insecure part, is it the strength of you and moving forward you need to build that strength back up? I guess I'll find out.

So to my constant companion, I will miss you, but its time to say good-bye and move on to becoming Person B.

H

Monday Monday

Woke up early - partly because of the weekend time change, partly because I went to bed so early last night.
I thought I'd try to read, haven't done a lot of that lately. Going through the kindle selection I came across my Weight Loss Surgery Cookbook, so I started studying the recipes from there. Dumb move, reading a cook book when you're not allowed to eat food, DOH!
But I did notice a lot of recipes call for wine - whats that about?
May have to look into purchasing more cookbooks, just to have some variety, maybe one without the wine requirements. The nice thing about the books is it tells you how much you can have and in what capacity depending on when you're in your surgery schedule.
So weeks 3 and 4 you can have if you puree, but weeks 5+ you can have set amount.
Kind of cool.

I'm at work today, fingers crossed I don't get to fidgety, I brought breakfast and lunch Optifast, blended with ice, a 750ml bottle of fizzy water, some strawberry jello and a can of diet pepsi. Hopefully that will get me through the day. I forgot some gum, so will have to go get some.

I keep trying to remind myself that it's only 2 weeks, after that I'll be able to have some more variety, cream soups, oatmeal, cream of wheat - doesn't sound like much, but when you're limited to a few things, anything new is something to look forward to.

I was craving cheese yesterday, I look forward to being able to have that again. MMMM I love cheese.

Well, back to work, its a beautiful day, hopefully you can get out and enjoy it.
Cheers.
H

Detox

When detoxing, you may suffer from symptoms as your body expels the toxins from your body. This is perfectly normal and is not a sign that you’re getting sicker. Read on to find out what to expect and give you some ways to deal with the healing crisis.

Common Detox Symptoms

Detox can create a number of symptoms in your body as your body goes through the process of purifying itself and eliminating toxins. Some common detox symptoms include:

• headaches
  
• lethargy
  
• temporary muscle aches
  
• mucus or other discharge
  
• a coated, pasty tongue
  
• flu-like symptoms
  
• irritability
  
• difficulty sleeping
  
• weakness
  
• cravings
  
• nausea
  
• constipation
  
• diarrhea
  
• gas

You may even find that the detoxing process causes you to suffer the old symptoms that you have had that the body has suppressed. You may think that you are becoming ill but it is important that you continue with the detox and don’t take any medications to help with the symptoms. The aim to flush chemicals from the body, not introduce more!

Coping with the Healing Crisis

A healing crisis occurs when the body tries to expel toxins at a faster rate than they can be properly disposed of. The more toxic your system is, the more severe the healing crisis may be. Healing crises are characterised by a temporary increase in symptoms during the process of detoxification. You may actually feel worse for a time and conclude that the detox program is not working. However, the opposite is true. The symptoms are a sign that the treatment is effective and that the body is cleaning itself of all the old, hidden, accumulated toxins. This reaction is temporary, and usually passes within one to three days.

To cope with the healing crisis, it is important to drink plenty of fresh water, juices, and herbal teas. These will help to flush the body of toxins. It is best to use pure water, and not water that comes from the tap. Bottled spring water is ideal. Drink at least six to eight glasses of water a day. If you are feeling lethargic or tired, the body is telling you that you need to rest.

Hot showers may be very helpful. Have the water as hot as you can stand it and scrub the skin well. This will help to eliminate toxins through the skin. Do not eat too much through the crisis. Eat light meals that are easy to digest. Increase the amount of fibre that you are eating and take supplements that cleanse the colon and kidneys. Meditation can also help with the mood swings and emotions that you may experience during the healing crisis.

Hunggrrrrr

It's Sunday, day 3 of liquids only. Yesterday I felt ill, had the chills again, every time I had my Optifast I thought I was going to be sick.

I fixed that small problem, I find if I blend with ice it tastes more like a shake and less like grit.

Fingers crossed it stays that way.

The jello is helping, its the only thing that sort of feels like food.

Thanks to Paula, we got my bedroom all painted, it looks great, just changing the temperature of the colour makes a huge difference and the curtains really look good against the violet colour of the walls. Yay.

Its been years since I painted my bedroom, I always took care of the main rooms first, so this is such a nice change.

I'm posting number 2 blog because I find myself wanting to eat. To just chew on something, and I feel hungry, which I didn't yesterday. So I am keeping busy, typing and after this will start cleaning the house. Hopefully by then the walls will be dry and I can put the room back to order.

I keep looking at the calendar and realize in less then 2 weeks I'll be in the hospital having my operation. Still nervous and worried, but I guess that is a good thing.

Day 1 -November 4th, 2011

First day of Optifast - the meal replacement I need to take for 2 weeks leading up to my Bariatric Surgery.
I've had thoughts all day of food, what to have for breakfast, what to have for lunch, what to pick up at the store, but of course can't have any of it.
I can have broth, which I just finished my first cup of.

My manager just called me to wish me luck and say - no hard feelings if I don't talk to you until this thing is over (he knows I'll probably be a bitch bear without food). Very sweet of him to wish me luck though, very thoughtful.

I will go into details on my journey to this point, talk about the challenges, the peaks the pitfalls.
But for now, the Blog has started and that is the first step.

Cheers.
Heather